My day as a mother.

Well I don't usually blog. I guess I'll just start from the beginning of this. On Jan. 27, 2007 I went to bed with everything good in the world. I was 32 weeks pregnant with a little girl my first child. Planning the next weekend to start on her nursey. The next morning of the 28th I woke up and my sweet girl was in a odd spot and sitting odd that didn't feel right. I told my self it was because she was getting bigger and less room. You hear all the time about women being uncomforable the farther they get. The day goes on she doesn't move I started getting worried but decide to wait til my husband gets home he arrived around 6:30.

I posted on a message board with my sister. So I have my husband post and ask about fetal movement the post were she is getting bigger try these things if she doesn't move call your doctor. I had talking to my mother and sister on and off the day with my worries. My sister helped us with something though I can't remember what right now. We could not reach my doctor and the on call doctor did not call back. Come to find out Dh didn't give her the right number. It was very hectic. We call the hospital I was to deliver at they said to come in. Its a good 45 to hour drive. Dh and I were talking about how we were just being paranoid even though I know I was sure it wasn't paranoia but hey i've been wrong before. On the drive I talked to my sister and my mom on the phone.

At the hospital the lady who checked us in said she had gone though it with all her children them not moving and her being worried and everything was ok. She asked us if we would like to prereg I thought why not. If they had to deliver the baby early it would be taken care of. We get in to a room where the tech and a nurse come in. They pulled my shirt up and my pants down under my stomach. The tech used the u/s I saw only her spine before I turned away I knew then she was gone. She tired to get a heartbeat seems like forever then left and a more trained tech came in and tried.

They hooked me up to see if it was the heart they were hearing was mine it was. They looked so sad and said they were sorry. They were going to admit me and call my doctor. Dh was in denial until she was born. Anyway the phone rang I told my husband to turn it off. I got in the room and the nurse was so nice. She said my doctor was on his way to officially say that the baby had died. I called my sister I told her the baby was gone and I heard her voice crack just a little before she started saying how sorry she was and what need I need her to do. I told her to call my mom I never could take hearing my mom cry.

I do not know how that went. She also told the message board that the baby had died. They were very kind ladies there. My mom called her boss and got the night off we worked for the same place and she told them about the baby. One lady offered to drive her to the hospital but my mom said she was find. My mom showed up a little after the doctor or before its a little hazy. My doctor did not have the best bedside manner but he was ok. He said the baby was gone and that the next morning we would start with the induction. I again called my sister. I was very grateful to have the support of my mother and sister. My husband was very much in denial and I couldn't help him. My sister asked if I wanted her to come down. She lives over 10 hours away with 2 small children. I told her she didn't have to I wasn't there for either of her childrens birth. But at the end of most births there is a screaming pink baby to care for most women don't want people there.

I was going to have a baby who was still and discolored and very silent. There would be no other better time for her to met her niece. I told her she didn't have to but I wanted her there so much I don't know what I excactly told her. But she said she would have her husband get the oil changed the next day and be on her way. They started the induction meds the next morning my mom and husband took turns sleeping on the couch. My mom and husband are both smokers and with all that was going on kept making trips off the hospital to smoke. The doubled my induction meds and gave me stadol which gave me weird pictures in my head and also felt like someone was holding a net over my face. So I asked if there was anything else so they morphine. My sister arrived late in the day of the second day I believe or maybe the beginning of the 3rd day I don't remember I know she dropped her kids off with her in laws. Its really hazy until the night of the 30th.

That night they did some kind of torture device thing where they put sticks in the cervix feels a horrible as it sounds. Well the next morning I was dilated 1cm enough for them to break my water. Then I had to epidural and at around 3 I was in labor. I could not feel the contractions so my nurse was feeling my stomach and telling me when to push. On my right I had my husband holding my hand with his hard hands that I felt I couldn't break with a sledge hammer. Then on my left was my sister with her soft small hands that was I so afraid to hurt her. My beautiful baby girl left this world before she entered it. When she was born they took her away they cleaned her weighted her measured her. Then asked if I wanted to hold her I knew as soon as all this started I didn't care what she looked like I wanted my baby. I held her she was so small 4Ib 10oz and 16 in long. And a head full of dark hair like her father. She was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen.

She had been gone 4 days when she was born but she was still beautiful. He daddy held her I was worried he'd drop her and she'd get hurt. My sister took pictures and then my sister held her. I regret not having a picture of her aunt holding her. I wish I would have held her longer. I gave her to my mother who held her and took her out of the room to the nurse for me. Thats it thats my life as a mother over before it began. I miss my daughter every day. I want her back but know that can't happen I just sometimes wish I were gone with her. I love and miss you my beautiful Avonlea.